Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I have writer's block.
I have writer's block because there is only one thing I want to blog about- fertility, or the lack thereof, it is the only thing I can think about when I look at a new post.

I suppose I was hoping that if I would write about something else, this infertility issue would just disappear, or even more accurately, it would be a minor blip on the radar, a bump in the road. No one would ever have to know I was going through it, because I thought I would end up with a baby in my belly. Keep it my little secret. Of course I would tell people after the fact, just not until I was at the finish line.

Enough avoiding the topic. Here it is, all that has been going on in my head. Sorry if I sound like a whinny baby. Just give me a moment to clear my thoughts, so I can escape from writers block and put myself out there.

Even though no one has yet to say babies are not possible, they are throwing around big, scary words like tubal disease, endometriosis, IUI and worse, IVF. These words mean it will take a lot more than my husband and I to have a baby. Now there will be a room full of people. No more POAS, and thinking of ways to tell people. No more surprising my husband. No more fun in trying. And then, of course, there is the small insignificant monetary issue. No insurance coverage. My insurance stops covering infertility when they diagnose there is a problem and need some help. They pretty much say "oh, you are infact infertile...good luck with that."

I will be calling tomorrow to find out when the Laparsocopy surgery is to take place. My guess is somewhere in the next two weeks. My TWW has changed in meaning. After this surgery we will/should know what the next step is. Possible outcomes:
1. Fixed whatever made my tubes "slow moving" and free to try on our own some more.
2. Not able to fix "slow moving tubes". Will need help getting pregnant. Which means either
a. put our money on a couple rounds of IUI. Move affordable, could pay for a round or two, but not as successful as IVF OR b. move straight to IVF. and will need to figure out how to sell a kidney on the black market for funding...
3. Adoption. Not sure I am ready for this.

My husband has already come up with the solution. Ship me off to Australia to live with his parents for six months, claim residency, and then take advantage of the socialized medicine and do IVF for FREE! The free part is tempting, but don't worry, we wouldn't really do that.

I could go on, as how I still have trouble believing that this is really happening to me. I am healthy, my husband is healthy, we are young and active. Seriously. I told my mom I wasn't too worried about having tubal disease because there is no way I could actually have it, but my always positive mom throws in the "well you never know." I know she doesn't want me to be oblivious to the possiblity, but it was not helpful. I need her to be positive. (And my doctor to tell me that he would do IVF pro bono if I were to need it. Can doctors do that? They should)

Okay, I am done. For now anyway, as I cannot promise I won't have an update after surgery.

I would like to close with advice. DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT ask a magic eight ball questions. I now believe that they are pestimistic smat asses. And after some profuse shaking, it admitted it was indeed demonic.